I’ve been doing a lot of self-psychoanalysis lately-probably not a good thing. I’ve been thinking about the phenomenon of fear, specifically the fear of success that often masquerades as a fear of failure.
For a long time I thought I would never submit my work to be published because I believed that rejection, even one non-scathing, polite but unencouraging form letter type of rejection, would destroy my muse and render me incapable of producing any more work, or ever finding joy in my writing again.
Fortunately I got over that. I also realized to some extent I was not so much afraid of failing as of succeeding so well that writing would become my JOB and thus the joy would once again be sucked out of it.
I got over that to some degree too, though now that I actually make money writing I realize that there are days when it is just a JOB and a hard, lonely one at that. I still enjoy it, though.
Now, however, my analytical brain has finally hit on perhaps my real problem. I’m not so much afraid of failure anymore, or of unbridled success [in fact, bring it on!]. What I’m most afraid of is too much happiness. I’m petrified of things going exactly the way I’ve always dreamed of.
Well, you’re probably saying, isn’t she a nut?
I realize why, though. I’m afraid of things going too well, because that’s usually right before everything goes terribly, terribly bad. I’ve harbored that fear all my life, that too much happiness and enjoyment is a bad thing-it leads to everything blowing up in your face just because the universe is out to get us all.
A scene from an episode of Angel illustrates this perfectly. Leave it to Joss Whedon to understand everyone’s inner demons.
In the episode There’s No Place Like Plrtz Glrb, Angel and the gang return to L.A. after having rescued themselves from certain death in the demon dimension Pylea. The group is all together, everyone is alive and back in one piece, they’re happy and healthy and they all crowd arm in arm into Angel’s hotel/office sunny smiles all around – only to find Willow Rosenberg sitting on the couch looking like she just lost her best friend. She has come to L.A. with the devastating news that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is dead. [For the…um…second or third time…but anyway.]
That’s the moment I fear. That split second when everything is just peaches and cream, right before the whole world turns upside down and your worst fears are realized.
I guess I’m nuts. Or maybe, does anyone out there feel the same way? It’s just an irrational fear that the worst things only happen when you’re on top of the world. When you’re already down, bad things maybe seem less bad by comparison, don’t they?
Either way, that’s my problem in a nutshell. I’m afraid of letting myself be too happy because I don’t want to come home one day and find Willow on my couch ready to hit me with a big pile of bad news.
Any therapists out there, please feel free to comment.
4 comments:
Joss, my hero.
But there are better Joss moments to follow you into the dark. Try this one :
"It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we can live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dark. Without passion, we'd be truly dead."
--Angel, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"
If Lucy had a nickle for every creative soul with thoughts like this she could retire, you think? And it probably the fault of writers! I watched Bonfire of the Vanities, the movie, for the first time recently. We write too many stories like that, where someone is on the top, has the world at their feet, then one wrong turn and the joy gets sucked out of it. Haven't seen that Buffy so didn't know that example. Ah, but I figure you'd heard of Bonfire of the Vanities. :) [I came back and added that this next sentence is a spoiler if you've never seen the movie or read T. Wolfe's book.) And the good news is... in that story, the writer is the one that ends up with fabulous wealth and notority at the end!
Karen, after writing this post I realized Joss was all about this. The entire ANGEL series, and most of Buffy was about losing it all right when things were just starting to go well. Angel's curse after all - to lose his soul after a moment of perfect happiness - yikes! It's all Joss's fault!
Annalee, I must confess to never having read or seen Bonfire of the Vanities [I just liked the title! LOL] but yes, maybe writers are to blame. Though reality can often be worse than ficiton - which is why I don't watch reality shows and rarely read true stories. Fiction has given me enough mental problems, thankyouverymuch.
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