Another reason I don't subscribe...

...to a lot of magazines is, I can’t stand fluff news. All right, one could look askance at me, the author who enjoys writing adventure and romantic romps and despises anything that’s too depressing or serious. You’d think I’d like ‘pop news’ and the stuff they fill newspapers and magazines with to make them more fit to line a birdcage, but sorry. No.

Case in point, while once again trapped in the dentist’s office [a kid with braces can be a boon to a parent’s reading time] I perused the available periodicals. I figured the cover story of US News and World Report for the 12/31-1/7 issue would be enlightening: 50 Ways to Improve Your Life in 2008.

We can all use some life improving, right?

I shouldn’t have expected too much.

Along the same lines of ‘installing crown molding’ I found these exciting ways to make my life better:

No. 13: Yawn
The article extolled the health virtues of a good yawn. Okay. So should I spend more time getting tired so I can yawn, or more time being bored so I can yawn? Or should I just look at other people who are yawning more often so that I will catch their contagious yawns and thus in some obscure way, improve my health?

No. 24: Use your mobile phone for everything.
One of the wireless services must have paid for this one. The idea is to consolidate your services into one device so you can rely on your cell phone for everything. The day my cell phone can do laundry, I’ll consider it.

No. 26: Get a raise.
Now there’s a damn good idea. Let’s all resolve to get raises in 2008. I hope my boss reads this article, otherwise I might be out of luck since the last time I checked, you can’t just go out and GET a raise, like you go out and GET a newspaper. No doubt it would equate to a significant life improvement though for most people. Can’t argue that.

No. 35: Stop drinking bottled water.
This was my favorite. At first I had to ask myself, what’s the alternative? Puddles? Lord knows, in my town, you don’t drink out of the tap unless you want to grow a third arm. The article advocated saving money by skipping the expensive designer waters that are available. Well, there’s some merit in that, considering some companies charge $7.00 for a bottle of water that came out of a tap in Columbia. I’d rather drink from the hose – but what got me was the article suggested asking for tap water in restaurants. Had I not just ordered an ice water at a local restaurant and gotten a glass of what tasted like something that had been siphoned out of the dishwasher, I might agree – well no, I’d never agree. That suggestion is absurd. What’s worse, they advocate spending the money you’d save by not buying a bottled water on dessert! I guess the worm has turned. It will be a life improvement if you drink something that’s been run through dirty old lead-lined pipes and fill your gut with chocolate tiramisu.

Is it any wonder I don’t subscribe to these magazines?